Feb 12 2009
Sexually Frustrated Vampires Can Suck It
*Note* My apologies to any of my friends who read this. Feel free to skip it, you’ve already heard my views on Stephenie Meyer.
It seems like the Twilight fans have finally calmed down but I know that this is only the eye of the hurricane. They’re making three more movies so I’m going to have to hear a lot more “OMGZ!!!!! I LUVZ EDWARD CULLEN!!!!!!!!!” over the next few years. I don’t have a problem with any of the actors in the movie (although I’d love to force Robert Pattinson to bathe).
My problem is instead with the creator of the Twilight saga, Stephenie Meyer. I have created a list of all the things I hate about her and her books.
1. Her writing style is terrible. I tried on a couple occasions to actually read Twilight but I couldn’t handle more than a couple pages. She’s a fan of using only short choppy sentences or very long, run-on sentences that last for a paragraph. Or three. I understand that these books are geared towards preteens who don’t know any better but come on, this is why our nation’s children can’t pass a standardized test.
I know some people have compared her to J.K. Rowling, but I hate to break it to them–she’s nowhere near Rowling’s league. As Stephen King said in USA Weekend, “Both Rowling and Meyer, they’re speaking directly to young people. … The real difference is that Jo Rowling is a terrific writer and Stephenie Meyer can’t write worth a darn. She’s not very good.”
In the interest of providing a balanced viewpoint, here is Stephenie Meyer’s number one fan’s opinion of Stephen King:
2. Edward Cullen is a creeper. Yeah, I said it. Think about it–he’s over a hundred years old but trapped in the body of a seventeen-year-old which is every pedophile’s fantasy (short of owning Neverland Ranch). Yes, moms, this is who your daughters are lusting after–some old dude who just happens to age really, really well.
“Hey, I can see the playground from here!”
3. Bella Swan is a flat, boring stereotype who teaches bad things to young girls. Bella is devoid of any personality of her own which is amusing to me since theoretically, Stephenie Meyer patterned Bella after herself. When Bella meets Edward, he’s kind of a jerk to her. Rather than move on to someone who might actually treat her well, she decides that she can change him and persists. Luckily for her, he turned out to be a nice guy. In real life, Edward Cullen would have probably been an abusive boyfriend who cheated on her and dumped her once she got knocked up at age sixteen. But since this is fiction, he turned out to be a sparkly vampire who was in love with her. Speaking of, . . .
4. Vampires aren’t supposed to sparkle. My fiance was more upset about this than I was since he’s the one who really likes vampires, but Stephenie Meyer basically turned all the Mormons vampires into glittery superheros without any significant disadvantages. I mean, come on, if you’re going to pick a supernatural character, stay true to form.
5. Stephenie Meyer is a self-important twat who doesn’t realize that she is a fad. Meyer was working on a new book and someone leaked the first several chapters of it online. After declaring herself “too sad” to continue the project, she has delayed it indefinitely. She said that in the current frame of mind she would have killed off all the good characters and it wouldn’t jive with the rest of the story. She has said that her goal is to wait two years without hearing anything about the book, entitled Midnight Sun, at which point she would begin working on it again when she was sure everyone had forgotten about it.
Stephenie Meyer, are you serious? You and your piss poor excuse for writing are a FAD. If you wait until everyone has forgotten about Twilight then your book isn’t going to sell nearly as well as if you had capitalized on your temporary popularity. Your writing is not good enough to have staying power. Plus, this latest book wasn’t even a continuation of the Twilight series–it’s just the first book rewritten from another character’s perspective!
I know that Stephenie Meyer has gotten a whole bunch of preteen girls to read, but can’t we find anything better for them? Is this really the best we have, a pedophile and a role model with no independence or personality? Stephenie Meyer needs to not be encouraged and needs to get over herself. She’s not writing great American literature, she’s writing Mormon porn for hormonally crazed adolescents.
If she forgets, I don’t mind reminding her.
P.S. If you thought the girl with the Stephen King rant was ridiculous, enjoy her super duper amazing Twilight love song:
So, even though I have heard you rant a numerous amount of times about Ms Meyer a number of times I still enjoyed reading this.
Good stuff here love!
P.S.
I still want to punch that British twat in the face, if she was from our country, I would say that’s why people hate us. But, since she isn’t…I guess I will just hope she gets beat up by a group of chavs.
This is Percy again. So there are advertisments at the bottom of each article. Well while I was reading the Twilight one, The advert was “Tahe the Twilight quiz.” I thought it was a part of your post. Well it wasn’t. Just thought I should share with you how ironical that was.
Very well said Em!
I read Twilight (and fell into the fallacy of Appeal to Popularity…all the while being skeptical), and honestly hold a lot of the same oppinions as you. She’s a very simplistic writer, and very “passionate” to put it nicely. I’m more a student of chaos theory-go crazy to a degree with your phrasing and see how well it sells (probably why I am not a published writer, haha). Very funny stuff love reading your articles!
Oh yeah and I agree about Bella. I thought her character was very unlikeable. I kept thinking, and why would he risk his life for someone who utters four words a day…
As a fan of Stephen King, I was too embarrased to watch either of the videos fully. But yes, I agree with everything you said about the Twilight series.