That’s What She Said

Continuing in my week of overpaid child stars, I decided once again to look at a Disney star and landing at the number two spot are

2. Jonas Brothers

I realize that I referred to all three of them as one star, and that was intentional–each part is not equal to a whole.

The Jonas Brothers are another Disney teen sensation that causes thirteen-year-old girls to completely lose their shit. The brothers made their debut around the same time as Miley Cyrus and gained a lot of fame by appearing with her on Hannah Montana. From what I’m told, each brother has his own following of fans but the youngest of the brothers, Nick (age fifteen), is apparently the cutest one. He’s also rumored to have dated Miley Cyrus for a while (although really, what constitutes dating when you’re fifteen and no one can drive?) But evidently he broke her heart and caused her to write this little ditty:

However, the middle Jonas brother, Joe (age nineteen), seems to be the only one to consistantly have attractive girlfriends. First he dated Taylor Swift, who despite a Disney stigma is actually a talented country singer. Now he’s with Camilla Bella whom you might recognize for her Oscar worthy performances in When a Stranger Calls and 10,000 BC .

My fiance saw this movie while drunk and said it was still unbearable.

 The oldest Jonas brother, Kevin (age twenty-one), doesn’t really seem to get any love. Not even from Miley Cyrus who is just giving it away at this point.

You may as well be adopted.

 If I found the Jonas Brothers to be enjoyable (or at least bearable) I wouldn’t feel such a burning desire to mock them. In fact, before I heard their music I was willing to cut them some slack–I mean, anyone could make the mistake of hanging out with Miley Cyrus. Especially if the big wigs at Disney were waving a contract in their faces and reminding them that they have to do as Disney says because Mickey Mouse owns their souls. Anyway, after seeing the idiotic reaction to the God forsaken Twilight saga I should’ve known better and questioned the judgment of preteens but instead, I gave the Jonas Brothers the benefit of the doubt and went on Youtube to hear what they sounded like.

Why, WHY didn’t I learn my lesson?!

The Jonas Brothers have very nasally, grate-on-your-nerves-until-you-punch-someone-in-the-throat voices, which is probably due to the fact that they have not yet finished puberty. Kudos to them for being able to hold a guitar without dropping it, but their voices just sound terrible. They are like Miley Cyrus in that they have some initial talent, but it needs to be trained in order to prolong their careers past their flash in the pan with Disney.

I mean, does anyone hear anything about Hanson anymore? I didn’t think so.

 The main thing the Jonas Brothers have come under scrutiny for in regards to their personal lives comes in the form of chastity rings–that’s right, middle school girls, the Jo Bros aren’t going to bed until they’re legally wed. I have absolutely nothing wrong with someone wanting to wait until they are married to have sex. In fact, when I used to be really religious I had the same goal and I still think it’s very admirable for someone to do that. I have friends who have waited and I’m very proud of them for sticking to their convictions because it’s not an easy thing to do.

However

Your choices about your sexuality are exactly that: your choices. You shouldn’t need a ring or a public statement made by your public relations representative in order to validate it. I feel like there’s a difference between being open and broadcasting. It’s really not unlike Madonna’s need to tell the world she’s sexy –she could just be calmly and confidently sexy like Helen Mirren but instead feels the need to shove it down our collective throat. If you want to be celibate, then be celibate. It doesn’t warrant a parade.

“We’re keeping it in our pants!”

One thing I will say about the Jonas Brothers–it seems unlikely that they’ll join the ranks of celebrities with sex tapes. At least I hope so–do you really want to see any of them doing the deed?

A preview
Not pictured: Paris Hilton

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