Jul 02 2009
Avenging Billy Mays
There have been a lot of tragedies in Hollywood lately with the deaths of Farrah Fawcett, Ed McMahon, Karl Malden, and the King of Pop, Michael Jackson. Many people are mourning the loss of these performers and entertainers and rightly so because there will never be others like them again. Then, in addition to these unfortunate passings, we have also lost the ultimate pitch man, Billy Mays. I’ve heard a couple reasons for his death, from heart failure to head trauma, but I think we all know who is truly responsible for the death of Billy.
That’s right. Vince, the ShamWow guy.
Oh, he had us all fooled. He was able to cover his tracks with the ShamWow (because, as you know, the Germans always make good stuff) and clean up any evidence that might have linked him to his crime. But he had to have known that it would be so obvious for him to take out the competition. After all, no matter how hard Vince tried, he knew that he was always going to live in Billy’s shadow. Vince could bulge his creepy eyes all he wanted but he would never match Billy’s energy level and enthusiasm.
I understand why Vince snapped. I, too, have been sitting at home, minding my own business and eating cheetos before getting yelled at by Billy Mays until I break down into sobs and promise to buy a lifetime supply of OxyClean. Vince knew that in order to become the ultimate master of infomercials, he had to eliminate Billy Mays. He really should have known better, though. I mean, he couldn’t even beat up a hooker and get away with it so why would he think he could take out Billy Mays while the world is watching and get away with it? WE’RE ON TO YOU, VINCE!!!
Sex workers are so temperamental.
If you think what the prostitute did to you was bad, it’s nothing compared to the wrath of the Billy Fans. And when they’re done, they’ll spit on your ShamWows and clean up the evidence with OxyClean, the way God and Billy Mays intended.
amen, I couldn’t have said it better myself. Vince Shlomi’s a tool. Little do people know that he directed one of the worst movies in history: The Underground Comedy Movie.
RIP Billy Mays, I may have said some negative things about you, but I never meant it.